Nicholas Christakis is a professor at Yale. Last year, his wife Erica who is also a professor, forwarded a university email to her students about a directive to wear politically correct Halloween costumes. She asked her students to consider whether or not they wished to surrender to this directive. Essentially, she asked them to be deeply skeptical about surrendering their power about which costumes to wear. 

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What followed was a total misunderstanding of the intent of the email. Students gathered near Mr. Christakis’ office, wanting to be listened to. He engaged them to listen and discuss ideas. What actually happened, though, turned into an emotional shouting match by the students. They wanted an apology for their suffering. What went wrong? How could a well intentioned email turn into wanting an apology? It has a lot to do with the art of listening, the equal exchange of ideas, and how one relates to stress.

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Mr. Christakis did many things correctly in his interaction with the students: he asked for listening on both sides, respect for others’ ideas, and he challenged students’ ideas he disagreed with. Obviously I wasn’t there, but I’ll offer my opinion about how such an event could have been a better learning experience. 

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What compels us to apologize for causing others pain, when our intent was to empower them to think? This brings to mind a phrase in the movie The Princess Bride when Buttercup tells Westley, the Dread Pirate Roberts, that he mocks her pain. He says, “Life is pain, Highness! Anyone who says differently is selling something.” An integral part of life is suffering, pain, and stress. These are the times we learn. We should honor these times rather than apologize for them. We should find ways to help ourselves and others through the pains of our lives, not avoid them.

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New ideas challenge the way we think. They make us uncomfortable. That’s helpful. This point should be made very clear at the outset when entering any discussion. My opinion AND your opinion are BOTH important, not just yours. Therefore, I listen to and respect you, AND you listen to and respect me. It’s a discussion of ideas; it’s not a bitch session.

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This is not what happened at Yale. The students continually told Mr. Christakis to shut up. They were only interested in expressing their hurtful feelings, not in challenging their thinking. They didn’t take ownership of getting offended and discussing ideas with an attitude of learning.

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This is how I think this event could have been improved:

• The art of listening: One student expresses his/her idea, while Mr. Christakis listens, and all other students are quiet. Then, he shares his idea and all students are quiet and listen.
• Equal exchange of ideas: At the outset, no idea is better than another. 
• Stress: The discussion of ideas provides facts that challenges all ideas. These facts are welcomed and discussed. Poorly grounded ideas are modified. Everyone remains curious to learning from others, to find ways to change their thinking, and not get emotional. Everyone is more interested in learning than having their ideas validated. 

Go to these links to watch videos of the event and listen to Sam Harris’ discussion with Mr. Christakis:

Sam Harris podcast with video clips: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zUtHHgDtXn4

Full video clip of Yale event: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hiMVx2C5_Wg

Full Sam Harris Waking Up podcast w/ Nicholas Christakis: https://www.samharris.org/podcast/item/facing-the-crowd